Image courtesy of Hubpages

Anonymous | Staff Writer

Insider Tips for Writing for the Artichoke

Do you want to write the kind of clever kind of satire that appears in the Artichoke? If you’ve ever had any interest in journalism or seeing your name in the paper, but don’t have the slightest idea in how to begin writing an article, this is the guide for you.

  1. Think about what topics interest you. Wonder if anyone else is interested in the same things as you. Do a Google search to see that, no, you’re alone in your obscure love for Nguni Granolithic snail shell necklaces.
  2. Stand by the newsstands by the West Campus cafeteria for a few hours, wishing that the Onion was still delivered to Century to give you inspiration.
  3. Do all your homework before working on the article- you’ll definitely have more inspiration when you’ve got the stress of all your reports gone. If you finish and still don’t have anything written down, it can’t hurt to surf the ‘net for a little while…
  4. Halfheartedly write an article. Proofread it. Have a brilliant epiphany that going on youtube to search trailers for Iron Man 3 will help you in developing better grammar skills. Two hours later come to the saddening conclusion that this is false.
  5. Cry. Think about starting over. Realize there’s only a few hours until the rough draft is due. Buckle down and write.
  6. Type out something that doesn’t relate at all to your original topic. Submit it to the rough draft.
  7. Read the comments the editors wrote. Realize you’ll have to go the Onion for inspiration after all. Cry again. Write a note to buy more tissues.
  8. Set aside a couple of hours to look over your article and see what works and what doesn’t. Edit it, move things around, and rewrite a few things. Feel pride over the eye-catching intro and great conclusion. Feel deep shame over everything else.
  9. Breathe a sigh of relief at how good your article looks after all. Submit it a day before the deadline. Hope that none of the editors or readers realize that even though the article looks good, it has the same sentence repeated a dozen times in the middle bit as a filler.
  10. Use your spare time to write an article about the article-writing process to encourage more Century students to join the Century Times newspaper.
  11. Face the shame and despair of being the first staff writer for the Century Times to ever be dually expelled from the club and restrained from joining again for an indefinite time. After passing through this fairly dark period of your life, turn this shame into a kind of twisted pride.
  12. Wonder if there’s any openings in the math club. They always seemed more down your alley anyway.