Kiana Williams | Staff Writer
Like many of you, I had grand plans for my first day of college. I would breeze into the school, my braids whipping in the wind, and I would stand in the doorway of my biology class. My fellow students would gaze up at me, unable to hide their awe. Power would roll off of my very being, like I was the avatar…or Beyoncé. Then, just when they thought I couldn’t get any better, I would reveal my secret weapon, Heelys! I would glide to an open seat in the front row as they watched, mesmerized. Then, I would turn around to face my peers, one eyebrow raised mysteriously.
“Did somebody say, ‘Knowledge’?” I would ask, and the class would erupt into a mad fit of laughter, even though they weren’t sure what was so funny. It would just feel right. The friends would flock!
Instead, what happened was that I ran into the building five minutes before my class started and stumbled in just as my professor was beginning to go over the syllabus. My cheeks burned as I tried to find a place to sit without disturbing anybody too much. Several people glared at me as though I was covered with the brown spots of leprosy; some vile being come straight from the bowels of hell to disrupt their lesson. I didn’t speak to anyone.
The thing about not having any friends is that you spend a lot of time sitting in dark corners observing others as they converse with their friends. As a result, I have become an expert in the ways of friendships; how to make them and keep them strong, and today I will share that what I have learned with you.
Before we begin, we have to face the facts: you are unlovable. From the moment you escaped the womb your very presence has been a plague upon mankind, a disease from which they will never recover. Socially awkward, unintelligent, and generally unappealing; no one notices when you enter a room, no one nods a head in acknowledgement. When you finally perish, you will enter a barren wasteland, where only bacteria go after they die.
This is not a hindrance, however! Humans are generally slow-witted, and as a result easy to trick. As long as you follow these rules potential friends will swarm you wherever you go.
1. Spend More Time Around people
Unfortunately, to become friends with people you need to leave your bedroom and venture out into the world. People are conditioned to avoid the unknown and to shun strangers. Therefore, it may be hard to breach that initial wall of uncertainty. Luckily for you, this can be rectified by never leaving a person’s side. Always remain in the corner of their eye, a vaguely recognizable blur, so that when you are finally ready to approach them, they feel as though they already know you.
…Or you could just join a club.
2. Choose your Potential Prey
It is easiest to connect with people who share the same interests as you, so keep a lookout for people who seem vaguely similar to yourself. Then, like a lion stalking a gazelle, observe them. Learn everything about them; from their hopes and dreams to their darkest secret. Jot your findings down in a journal so that you never forget. And remember, you’re not a stalker; nay, you are a valiant shadow tracker, darting in and out of the darkness, always avoiding detection. Like Batman but better! And also slightly more creepy.
3. Make eye contact and smile
When you are certain that you have found a suitable friend-candidate, you must strike while the iron is hot! Draw them to you by mimicking normal human gestures of friendliness. When you catch sight of your potential friend, stare at them until they are forced to acknowledge your presence. Then, slowly curl the ends of your mouth upwards, in a gesture known colloquially as a “smile.” If all goes as planned, they should smile in return. This is how you know you’ve won.
4. Initiate a get-together
Once you have tricked them into thinking that you are worth knowing, draw them into your lair with promises of fun times and snacks; delicious, delicious snacks. When they arrive, make them pose for several pictures with you. That way when they try to deny that they ever associated with you, and they will try to deny it, you have undeniable evidence to the contrary. Pro Tip: Make sure that the heat is turned up really high, so the room feels like a sauna. Trapped within the burning inferno that is your home, they will begin to overheat. As the temperature rises, their mental capabilities will lower, rendering them unable to distinguish between fiction and reality. This makes for prime secret sharing time! After all, nothing brings two people closer together than a tale of shame. Plus, if it doesn’t work out, blackmail!
There you have it! A step by step guide to staving off loneliness. But don’t fool yourself because this is only temporary. Eventually, all of your friends will see you for what you really are and you will have nothing to look forward to but a slow decline in both your mental and physical health, a never ending spiral of pain until finally, at long last, death wraps itself around you like a soft down blanket. When pressed, your mother may remember that at some point, she had pushed a living being out of her body, long, long ago, seemingly eons. “Yes, I believe I had a child,” she will say uncertainly,” But It’s gone now…” And you will continue to float on, unburdened and alone, always alone, for the rest of eternity.