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Kiana Williams | Staff Writer

The most wonderful time of the year has arrived once more! The time when snowflakes dance down to earth, coating the world in its pearlescent blanket; the time when families flock together, basking in the warm glow of each other’s company; the time when your annoying neighbor Chelsea stops making dumb fall-related jokes (“Time to pumpkin spice up my life!”) because she went home to visit her parents.

Yes, it seems that Mother Nature has decided to forgo autumn completely and skip right to the cold, and you know what that means: the Non-Denominational Winter Extravaganza season is finally here!

While every family has their own ideas and traditions regarding this sacred time, there are two steps we can all take to make your N-We a little bit more special.

  1. Get your holiday trees and Non-Religious Candle Holders Early

The Non-Denominational Winter Extravaganza’s greatest threat is other holidays. Those horrible people lie in wait for winter to roll around. Then they jump on the opportunity to grab the products we need to celebrate N-We for themselves, giving them foul names like “Christmas Trees” and “Menorahs”, with a blatant disregard to the feelings of others.

Beat those pagans to the front of the line and choose the very best products for your vague winter celebration!

  1. Eliminate all language relating to race and specific holidays from your language.

The great William Shakespeare (or Billy the Shakes as I’m told he liked to be called) once asked, “What is in a name?” I’ll tell you what: Pain. What’s with everyone’s irrational need to have specific names for everything? In my personal experience, I’ve found that it is far better to float vaguely through life, never quite sure what things mean. For instance, when you begin seeing someone romantically, you must never define the relationship. Your partner may resist this at first, but soon they’ll find that never knowing where you stand with a significant other only adds to the mystery!

The same is true of holidays. The best part about the Non-Denominational Winter Extravaganza, and the one that is the most hotly contested, is that it doesn’t mean anything! Each person who chooses to partake in the celebration gets to decide what they want it to represent for themselves. Sort of like a choose-your-own-adventure. Later in his quote, William Shakespeare says, “A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.” I’m tempted to agree.

Well, there you have it! Follow these tips and I guarantee that your Non-Denominational Winter Extravaganza will be both magical and controversy free!