Living Dead Found to be Enrolled at Century

Jonathan Pressley | Staff Writer

Image courtesy of forgeonahead.wordpress.com

The Century Times has reported on numerous occasions about the immense and diverse population at Century College. Instructors range from the traditionally educated, to active authors, to an unconfirmed janitor from Harvard. Our student population is perhaps even more diverse: International students were featured in a recent article, as was a potential Olympian boxer. Century’s students represent every demographic, numerous races, and have now been officially recognized as containing an entity long mystified by literature and Hollywood – the living dead.

The same students who recently found a new way to study science (featured in our last issue), used their new method to research what was previously thought to be creatures of legend. Due to the sensitivity of this finding, the students currently wish to remain anonymous. When asked why, a project leader explained, “The living dead have been victimized by Hollywood; people regard the living dead with fear.”

Image courtesy of uni.illinois.edu
Image courtesy of uni.illinois.edu

Another member added, “The truth is quite the opposite; they are harmless. It is kind of sad actually, they keep going about their routine, perpetually attending class without mental awareness of being there.” The first leader finished, “We want to stay anonymous so that people can’t give in to their fears and use us and our research to victimize the unfortunate dead.”

In an exclusive interview with The Century Times, one of the living dead agreed to talk behind the college’s theater curtain in order to remain anonymous. While the dead individual remained mostly quiet, as one might expect, the most predominant sound was a repeated and hushed “shh.”

When asked what it is the dead wanted most, the answer was simple. “Sleep,” the dead individual replied in a quiet voice. When one of the science students dropped an armful of large textbooks, a loud “shh” was the response with piercing eyes that could be felt through the curtain.

Image courtesy of travelbugltd.wordpress.com
Image courtesy of travelbugltd.wordpress.com

While the cause of the living becoming living dead is not exactly known, the students hypothesize that it may having something to do with newborn children. With that knowledge, there are only two precautions they recommend taking when you feel you may be in the presence of the living dead.

“Don’t make loud noises, and avoid turning lights on if they [the living dead] just turned them off,” a project leader cautioned, “While they will not react violently, they will shoot darting glares from their eyes that can potentially make grown men cry.”

“It is almost as if they perpetually think they just put a child down for a nap,” one of science students remarked.

The science group concluded by saying, “While we will not disclose how to determine if a living individual is dead, if a person is ‘shhhing’, swaying and bouncing as if holding a child (even though they are not) while in line for coffee and subsequently order a double depth charge with no cream or sugar, we recommend leaving them alone, being extra quiet, and keeping lights dimmed if at all possible.”