Rachel Billstrom | Staff Writer
It’s Valentine’s Day again, and everyone who’s anyone is rushing to get their special someone a meaningful gift, because nothing says “I love you” more than processed candy and stuffed animals. Times are tough though, and we may be finding our wallets are a bit slimmer than we normally would hope for. Thankfully, I’ve compiled a list just for you to be able to get your partner not only a sensational present, but all on an affordable budget. So if you’re finding yourself having a hard time choosing between some pointless balloons, and eating for the week, look no further! These will surely leave your loved one swooning, everybody else envious, and you relaxing having survived another year of this ridiculous holiday:
1. In the mood for some sparkling champagne, but don’t have enough for that fancy bottle? Or maybe you’re just not old enough yet to purchase “bad decision” drinks? Well I’ll have you know there is an amazing alternative that won’t cost you more than some pocket change! All you need to do is get yourself a couple glasses full of water, pop some Alka-Seltzers in them, and there you go, sparkling champagne. It’s just as bubbly, tastes just as terrible, and you get the added bonus of relieving indigestion problems.
2. Flowers are a wonderful idea, but since a bouquet of them would probably mean missing out on keeping your Netflix account active another month, and since it’s not really the season to be growing flowers unless you’re feeling adventurous, it seems to be a hard thing to get your hands on. Luckily, most of your local grocers have an entire aisle dedicated to “flours,” and it won’t be more than two bucks tops. Sure, your loved one is probably going to be confused/upset/plot to throw you in a lion’s den, whatever, but the sentiment is still there.
3. So your partner is a little more high-maintenance and is demanding jewelry? Okay. Now before you start freaking out about that $200 gold unicorn necklace, just know there is a pretty cheap, crafty way to make all parties happy. All you need to do is gather a few supplies: aluminum foil… actually, that’s it. After you have that, you take the foil, kind of roll it up like a play-doh snake, mesh the ends together, and bam! There you have yourself a fine silver ring. If you’re also willing to spend a couple more dollars because “they’re worth it,” you could buy some nail polish and paint it any color of the rainbow! Ooh! Maybe even add sparkles for some nice flare.
4. Need some jewelry, but your crowning achievement when it comes to art is that Popsicle house you made in “second grade” (two months ago)? Then a ring pop is the way to go! If you got yourself a couple quarters, then you got yourself a ring pop. And if your girlfriend or boyfriend doesn’t like the delectable offering of edible jewelry, then they’re officially a killjoy and it’s time to “put them out to pasture” if you catch my drift… wink-wink, nudge-nudge… dump them, okay?
5. Why spend twenty dollars on a stuffed bear when there are plenty of free ones in the wild? Now to start off in obtaining one of these majestic creatures, you’re going to have to fork over a couple bucks for some peanut butter, but once you’ve got that, the hard part’s over. Next thing to do is find a nice, cozy spot in the middle of the woods, lather yourself up in the peanut butter, and wait. The sweet peanut buttery scent is sure to attract a bear out of hibernation… eventually… and that’s when you put your masterful martial art skills—which it’s safe to assume all of you have—to the test. After you have the bear subdued, you just have to spend the next several hours getting it to your girlfriend or boyfriend’s house, where they are sure to be ecstatic that you’ve brought a rabid beast from outdoors into their lives. Now you’re probably wondering: “Do I really have to cover myself in peanut butter?” Yeah, you do… (Note: Medical bills will vary.)
6. If you’re really low on dough, you could always just give them your “love”… whatever. (Warning: If you decide to do this, please be aware that statistics have shown there is a 99.76% chance you will be single by February 15th.)
And there you have it, folks. Now you can thank me for my brilliant suggestions later; right now you need to take that money in your bank account, keep it in that bank account, and go get that lucky guy or gal a Valentine’s Day gift they deserve! Best of luck, and have a wonderful “sort of” holiday.