Kiana Williams | Staff Writer
When I was in fourth grade, I threw myself down a flight of stairs to avoid taking a geography test. About a split second after I jumped, I realized that I had made a terrible, terrible decision; I hit the first step with a loud thud and tumbled the rest of the way down, collecting dirt as I rolled like a human broom. When I finally reached the feet of the stairs, several students and teachers rushed to me and tried to help me to my feet. As I rose, I felt a deep shame wash over my body, but I still couldn’t help but think: It was worth it.
If you’re anything like me (and for your sake, I hope you’re not) you don’t handle stress well. But never fear! You don’t have to resort to such drastic measures to avoid it. Over the years, I have collected a few helpful tips for taming stress, and now I will share them with you. Follow these rules, and you’ll be kicking your stress to the curb in no time!
1.) Time management is key. Don’t let procrastination get the best of you! Make sure that you stay on top of your assignments by setting aside specific times to deal with your obligations- write out any assignment due-dates on a calendar, and then stagger you’re working so that you don’t have to worry about multiple deadlines hanging over your head at the same time.
2.) Take a time out. Remove yourself from the thing causing you anxiety for a little bit. Taking a short break will help you gain perspective and allow you to re-enter the situation with a new eyes.
3.) Take deep breaths. Try and relax. No matter how stressful things get, try and remind yourself that it’s not the end of the world!
4.) Offer yourself as a sacrifice to the Earth Mother, Gaia. Let her pull you under the soil, deeper, ever deeper, until the surface world is a distant memory. Sigh faintly as you sink into her molten folds.
5.) Set fire to something beautiful. As it burns, remember that you are a golden orb of light, a shining supernova of beauty that will never fade away.
6.) Become ravenously addicted to cocaine. Feel the dopamine flood your system. Smile softly as your stress melts away.
7.) Fake your own death. Leave all of your anxiety behind and adopt a new identity. Your name isn’t Kristen anymore, Nay! Now you are Tracy Roads, ace reporter, and your stress is a thing of the past.
8.) Learn what triggers your anxiety. Then, make a blood pact with a demon to ensure that those things stay out of your life.
9.) Peel off all of your clothing until you are completely nude. Turn off all the lights and get in the shower. Turn the water up to its hottest temperature. Let the water beat down upon your bare back until your flesh begins to prune, until your very soul dissolves with the steam.
10.) Peel off all of your clothing until you are completely nude. Wrap yourself up in several blankets. Burrow yourself within your woolen fortress and pretend you are a fetus, tucked snugly inside your mother’s womb. The stress cannot reach you here.
11.) Peel off all of your clothing until you are completely nude. Go to a crowded beach and run into the ocean. A life guard will dive in after you and drag you out to safety. As he perfumes CPR on you, you will feel a wave of relief and a newfound zest for life wash over you. Or, no one will see you and you will drown. But, Hey! You’ve got nothing to lose!