How I Write An Essay

Sophia Yunk | Layout Director

image courtesy of albertorisi.com
image courtesy of albertorisi.com

Let me just start by saying something witty. Yes, professor, see how smart and witty I am? You might as well stop reading, give me the A I deserve, and you can worry about the other less talented students in class. In case I’m one of those less talented students, let me give you this thesis statement that I actually came up with after I wrote my paper.

I’m going to show you all of my knowledge on the subject in this paragraph so I hope your expectations don’t go up from here.  Pretty thorough, right? I know. (First thing on Google). Hopefully I’ll exhaust this subject enough to prove that I looked at the content more than once.

Well, if you aren’t disappointed in me yet, this paragraph will definitely do it. I’m kinda falling off the train here. Oh wait, I’m supposed to source this, right? (Another source since I need more than one) Are you actually reading these thoroughly, or are you just making sure it’s done? I’m praying for the latter.

In conclusion I never wanted to write this paper. While I did learn something new, I have no idea how I’m going to implement this into my day to day life. Please just give me a passing grade.

 

 

image courtesy of teenlife.com
image courtesy of teenlife.com

Notes to myself:

Alright, I got this. I totally know my thesis… who am I kidding when did I actually care about this topic? Never. What is a thesis anyways?

What format do I have to do this thing in again? I haven’t been able to find the directions for this assignment since it was given in class. I think it was MLA I’ll just go with that, what’s the difference right?

First paragraph looks good. Maybe the professor will be convinced that I’m a good writer and go easy on the grading.

Conclusions are the worst. In conclusion I’m curled on the floor for writing this paper. THAT’S a real conclusion.

Time to go back in and see if I missed anythi—oh… oh goodness. I’m 300 words short of the minimum.

I have nothing else to write. I don’t know if anyone could actually write anything more on this topic. Google couldn’t even find people that wanted to talk about it. I considered looking at the second page of Google for this! Whatever, I’ll just re-word some of this. I can totally pull things out of nowhere to make this sound intelligent.

Conclusions are the worst. In conclusion I’m curled on the floor for writing this paper. THAT’S a real conclusion.