Surviving Halloween 2020, like a loser

As an expert in giving advice that no one ever asks for, I am going to give you a tip on how to survive Halloween 2020: stay at home.

Stay home. Eat all the unhealthy foods you own, and binge watch as many shows as possible to fill that hole in your chest where your heart used to be. 2020 is a year of great change, why not try to change your terrible partying habits?

Why go as a sexy cat, an offensive stereotype, or a terrible pun, when you can just go home?  You can spend the night like a loser with no friends yet be treated like a hero for not helping to spread a global pandemic. It’s a win-win.

You don’t have to deal with your friends’ God-awful music taste, or with vomit-smelling strangers trying to get your number. Instead, you can stay home wearing the most haunted looking sweater you found at the Goodwill (An old woman named Edith is definitely possessing that wooly travesty), and sweatpants that make your butt look like a deformed pumpkin.

Have some fun with being alone. Make yourself a hot apple cider with too much fireball, then get out a Ouija board and try to contact your hopes and dreams for the future. They might still be out there, beyond the veil.

Spend Halloween of 2020 like an antisocial loner, and maybe you’ll get to see Halloween 2021. Who knows, next year you could be going to a rager with actual zombies.

Have a happy Halloween, and please WEAR A MASK!